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This page updated:
September 2012

Good morning, Cruisers !

This is the cruiser's net.

Please change your radio to high power, and turn off anything that might interfere with your transmission.

This is Bill on Magnolia, and I'll be your net controller this morning.

Could I have a radio-check, please ?

Loud and clear from the boat anchored next to you !

Loud and clear from Argentina !

Loud and [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] !

Okay, thanks !

If you call in, please state your boat name slowly and clearly, and wait to be recognized.

If you hear someone I don't hear, please offer to relay their transmission.

Okay, let's start with Priority Traffic.

This includes any medical needs, security issues, or navigation info of interest to everyone.

Any Priority Traffic, please come now.

Old Timer.

Old Timer, go ahead.

Yes, this is Old Timer. I was going to report that I lost my dinghy, "Row vs. Wade", last night. But then a nicer dinghy drifted over to me this morning, so never mind !

Okay, Old Timer had a lost dinghy but it's resolved now. Always good to start the net on a positive note !

Any more Priority Traffic, please come now.


Eileen, go ahead.

I'm new here, but I see a lot of smoke coming out of boat Toke-O Loco. Is that boat on fire ?

Ah, Eileen, no problem, there's always a lot of smoke coming out of Toke-O Loco. If you anchor downwind of him for a while, you'll realize why, and you'll get quite relaxed and mellow about it.

Any more Priority Traffic, please come now.

Okay, let's move on to the Weather.

From WindGuru:

Monday, wind will be E 15 knots, seas E 5 feet.
Tuesday, wind will be E 15 MPH, seas E 5 meters.
Wednesday, wind will be E 15 KPH, seas E 5 inches.
Thursday, wind will be E 15 RPM, seas E 500 MM.
Friday, wind will be E 15 Hertz, seas E 5 radians.

From the local forecast:

Monday, wind will be E 15 MPH, seas E 5 feet.
Tuesday, wind will be W 15 MPH, seas S 5 feet.
Wednesday, wind will be N 15 MPH, seas W 5 feet.
Thursday, wind will be S 15 MPH, seas N 5 feet.
Friday, wind will be downward 15 MPH, seas upward 5 feet.
And for today, the expected snow accumulation is zero [giggle].

From NOAA, the forecast for the entire eastern and western hemispheres, as of 0400 this morning:

Today, N of 18N, wind will be E 15 MPH, seas E 5 feet.
E of 65W, wind will be E 20 MPH, seas E 5 feet.
S of 14N except W of 60W or N of 12N, wind will be E 10 MPH, seas twice as high as elsewhere.
NE of the trough extending from Panama to England, wind will be SE 30 MPH or less.

Tomorrow, an inverted occluded depression will enter the forecast area, bringing fresh to stale winds.
N of 18N, wind will be swirly, seas confused.
E of 65W, wind will be iffy, seas horrendous.
S of 14N except W of 60W or N of 12N, wind will be questionable, seas unreliable.
Elsewhere, moderate to dangerous tradewinds will prevail.

And: no tropical storm activity expected in the next 12 hours.

Maximum Wake, this is Loudest Horn. How ya doin' today, mon ?

Uh, ignore that, it's just that ferry service.
Can't get those guys to move to another channel.

Okay, let's move on to New Arrivals.

Anyone who's just arrived and wishes to say Hello, please come now.


Intrepid, go ahead.

Yes, this is Intrepid, just arrived from Antarctica, about to complete our third circumnavigation. We're well-stocked with penguin feathers and seal blubber if anyone in the anchorage needs some !

Okay, Intrepid, welcome !

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.


Titanic, go ahead.

Yes, this is Titanic, just arrived last night, and we'd like to meet anyone who has experience splicing a broken mast, JB-Welding a blown engine, and making a mold to build a new hull.

Welcome, Titanic ! Hope you have a good time here.

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.

Radio Check.

Um, what ?

Yes, this is Roger, on Radio Check. Just arrived last night, looking forward to lots of interesting radio conversations here. And my good buddy "Doc" and his lovely wife Marina on sailboat Up One should be arriving in a few days, too.

Welcome, Radio Check ! Should be fun.

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.


Um, didn't catch that boat name, could you please spell it ?

Oui, es E L L O U I V E S L L S E. Eeee !

Welcome, Eeee !

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.

No Worries.

No Worries, please go ahead.

G'day Mate ! Graeme and Sheila and some ankle-biters here on board No Worries. Just arrived from Down Under. Strewth, we're stoked to be here. Looking forward to hoisting some stubbies and tinnies in the bar after brekkie. Need to find the garbologist, find the bottle-o, get some kero, get some tucker. Then we can fire up the barbie and bog in. Anyway, on with the yabber !

Welcome, No Worries !

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.

Aboot, from Canada, eh ?

Sorry, could you please spell that ?

C, eh ? N, eh ? D, eh ? This is Gordie on Aboot, eh ?

Welcome, Gordie on Aboot.

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.

Fuelish Pride.

Fuelish Pride, please go ahead.

Hi, this is Fuelish Pride ! We've just zoomed out here on our Boombox 40 for the weekend ! Where's the anchoring spot with the best acoustics, so we can share our musical tastes with you all night long ?

Fuelish Pride, I've heard the other side of the island is lovely at this time of year.

Any other New Arrivals, please come now.

Nothing heard. Okay, please tell any newly arrived boats about the cruiser's net, on the air Monday through Saturday at 0730. And please be aware that by taking your ship's documents and clearance papers to the chandleries, you can avoid paying duty, which is large and worth avoiding.

Okay, let's move on to Departures.

Anyone who's leaving and wishes to say Good-bye, please come now.


Scavenger, go ahead.

Yes, this is Scavenger, leaving for parts undisclosed, and hoping Immigration doesn't hear this.

Okay, Scavenger, have a safe trip ! And take care when towing those five dinghies.

Any other Departures, please come now.

SS Minnow.

SS Minnow, go ahead.

Yes, this is SS Minnow, leaving after a 3-hour tour. Fond farewells from Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann !

Okay, SS Minnow, have a safe trip ! Hope that GPS the Professor built out of bamboo holds up.

Any other Departures, please come now.

Flying Dutchman.

Flying Dutchman, go ahead.

Yes, this is Flying Dutchman, we're off to Martinique, the USVI's, Cuba, Panama, the ABC's, and should be back here by the end of next week. See you later !

Okay, Flying Dutchman, have a safe trip !

Any other Departures, please come now.

Okay, let's move on to Parts And Services.

Anyone who needs help locating Parts or Services on the island, please come now.

Santa Maria.

Santa Maria, go ahead.

Yes, this is Santa Maria, we're looking for a cross-tree for our foretopgallantmast.

Okay, Santa Maria is looking for a cross-tree for a foretopgallantmast. If anyone has one available, please call Santa Maria on 68 after the net.

Any other Parts And Services, please come now.

Space Shuttle.

Space Shuttle, go ahead.

Yes, this is Space Shuttle, is there any place on the island that specializes in replacing heat-shield tiles ? We need a few hundred done. Thanks.

Okay, Space Shuttle is looking for a place that replaces heat-shield tiles. Space Shuttle, you might ask at the shoe-repair stand next to the bus stop; that guy is pretty resourceful. If anyone knows of another place, please call Space Shuttle on 68 after the net.

Any other Parts And Services, please come now.


WindStarNightSailBreeze, go ahead.

Yes, this is WindStarNightSailBreeze, we're having problems with our SimRad chartplotter and wonder if anyone could give us a bit of help.

Okay, WindStarNightSailBreeze needs help with their SimRad chartplotter. Can anyone help ?


Useless, go ahead.

Yes, this is Useless. WindStarNightSailBreeze never should have bought a SimRad chartplotter; the one from RayMarine is far superior. Has better terminals, does left-handed jibes more solidly, has far friendlier buttons, consumes 1% less power. If WindStarNightSailBreeze wants to know several more reasons he shouldn't have bought what he did, call me on 68 after the net.

Okay, thanks, Useless, some good info there.

Any other Parts And Services, please come now.

Okay, let's move on to Cruiser Announcements.

Anyone who has a social or civic event or activity they'd like to announce, please come now.


Clewless, go ahead.

Yes, this is Clewless, we've arranged a bus-trip to an authentic local "long-pig roast". But we have only 4 people signed up; the locals tell us we need 8 to feed everyone. Leaving Saturday at 6 PM from the marina; return time doubtful.

Okay, if anyone wishes to sign up for the bus-trip to a "long-pig roast" on Saturday at 6, contact Clewless on 68 after the net.

Any other Cruiser Announcements, please come now.

Lone Ranger.

Lone Ranger, go ahead.

This is Lone Ranger, and as usual there will be a Hash this Saturday. Details to follow later. For those who don't know,
a Hash is a bash, crash, dash, gash, flash, lash, mash, gnash, rash smash
up and down silly willy-nilly hills,
off spiffy but iffy and whiffy cliffs,
sneaking down unique, oblique, reeking, leaking, peaking creeks,
along ailing, failing trails that will make you quail, pale, wail, and want to bail.
Might have to amble, gamble, ramble and scramble through brambles,
breeze, squeeze and wheeze through trees,
and bumble, fumble, rumble, stumble and tumble through lumber.
Expect winding lanes, rain, pain, stands of cane, and fellow hashers who aren't quite sane.
Also gooey ooze you can't lose, maybe a bruise, but nice views, at the end there will be booze, and on the bus back you can snooze.

Okay, for more info on the Hash this Saturday, contact Lone Ranger on 68 after the net.

Any other Cruiser Announcements, please come now.

Howdy Yawl.

Howdy Yawl, go ahead.

This is Cruising Kitty on Howdy Yawl, and as usual the ladies will be playing Mexican-train dominoes in the Something Fishy restaurant on Wednesday at 1. All ladies welcome.

Okay, the Dominatrixes will be gathering on Wednesday at 1 at the Something Fishy restaurant.

Any other Cruiser Announcements, please come now.


Twisted, go ahead.

There will be a yoga class in Sleepy Marina starting at 8:30 this morning.

Okay, to make an asana of yourself, yoga class at 8:30 at Sleepy Marina.

Any other Cruiser Announcements, please come now.

Okay, let's move on to Treasures Of The Bilge.

If you have an item you'd like to find, buy, sell, trade or give away, this is the section for that.

If it's free, please tell us so, but otherwise please discuss prices privately after the net.

And please be aware that transactions among cruisers are tax-free, but if you sell to a local, Customs must be informed and duty must be paid.

Any Treasures Of The Bilge ?


Optimistic, go ahead.

Yes, this is Optimistic, I have an unidentified chunk of metal that I'd like to trade for a brand-new 15 HP 4-stroke outboard.

Okay, Optimistic has an unidentified chunk of metal he'd like to trade for a brand-new 15 HP 4-stroke outboard. If you're interested, contact Optimistic on 68 after the net.

Any other Treasures Of The Bilge ?


Difficult, go ahead.

Yes, this is Difficult, I have 31 feet of 13 MM chain, 83 inches of 3/8 chain, 14 feet of 12-gauge wire, 12 feet of 14-gauge wire, a model 102948019740170 radio with type 1092401840 handset, and an AIS that conforms to part B of FCC class C and DOT category D. Whoops, got the chain and wire sizes switched, just say them the other way around, please. My phone is country code 131 575-784-8616, call me after 0900 but not before 1300.

Ummm ... Difficult has a bunch of good stuff, and they have a telephone. If you're interested, call Difficult after the net.

Any other Treasures Of The Bilge ?

Okay, let's move on to Local Businesses.

Any Local Businesses who wish to tell us about their goods or services, please come now.

Incommunicado Tours.

Incommunicado Tours, go ahead.

Yes, this [buzz] Incommunicado Tours, [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz] [buzz]

Okay, you were breaking up a bit there, but Incommunicado Tours offers lots of good services to cruisers, if you can get hold of them. Contact Incommunicado Tours on 68 after the net.

Any other Local Businesses ?


Canned, go ahead.

Yes, this is Canned, I'd like to give you the same interminable spiel I give every day about our services, the speech you know by heart and really don't want to hear yet again at 8 AM when you're half-asleep and trying to get into gear. But I'm going to plunge ahead and do it, trying to sound enthusiastic as I stumble through it, adding lots of flowery words and trying to exhort you to spend money with us. We really, really like you and want you to spend lots of time and money with us, and we're sure you'll love it and recommend it to all of your friends here and elsewhere, even in whatever place you happen to be from, or here too. Did I say that already ? Well, let me just repeat some of it anyway. Have a nice day !

Okay, that was Canned, they do stuff. Contact Canned on 68 after the net.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Zoom to Doom.

Zoom to Doom, go ahead.

Yah, mon, this is skiff Zoom to Doom ! I just caught the very last of the lobsters from the reefs here ! Fresh bite-sized baby lobsters for sale !

Okay, that was local fishing skiff Zoom to Doom. He has lobster for sale. As usual, he's going so fast through the anchorage that his radio signal is Doppler-shifted; try going up a few channels so your radio signal can catch up with him.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Ciguatera Marina.

Ciguatera Marina, go ahead.

Hello, cruisers, this is Ciguatera Marina. Tonight is Movie Night, and we'll be showing those great boating movies, "Titanic", "Poseidon Adventure", and "Jaws". Followed by Karaoke. See you tonight !

Okay, that was Ciguatera Marina, telling us about Movie Night tonight, with a lineup designed to make you feel really good about living on a boat. But tragically, there will be "croakie" afterward.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Dengue Dock Restaurant.

Dengue Dock Restaurant, go ahead.

Hello, cruisers, this is the Dengue Dock Restaurant. In honor of Scotland Month, we'll be serving haggis with every meal, whether you want it or not, requiring all male patrons to wear kilts, the big-screen will be showing the NW Glasgow caber-tossing championships on an infinite loop, and all our waiters will be playing bagpipes. Hope to see you here !

Okay, that was the Dengue Dock Restaurant, telling us about their offerings for Scotland Month.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Fuel Dock Bar.

Fuel Dock Bar, go ahead.

Yes, this is the Fuel Dock Bar at the Cleats 'N Feets Marina. On Saturday, we're having our usual Briefly Happy Hour from 5 to 6, with our famous 12-beers-for-$30 special. Immediately followed by the informal Dinghy Demolition Derby just off our dinghy-dock. Hope to see you here !

Okay, that was the Fuel Dock Bar, telling us about their Saturday events.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Clothesline Moorings.

Clothesline Moorings, go ahead.

Yah, mon, I got mooring balls in all the bays, in all the good anchoring spots. If you have a favorite spot, I'll put a mooring in it ! I don't care how big or heavy your boat is, I'll put it on any of my moorings.

Okay, that was Clothesline Moorings. You probably met him already; he was the guy in the skiff who kept buzzing around you as you came in from that rough passage, wanting to strike up a conversation with you and become your best buddy, while you were just trying to get the anchor down and get some rest.

Any other Local Businesses ?

Okay, anyone who missed a section, or any announcements or questions that didn't fit in another section, please come now.

This is Papa Indigo Tango Alpha, sailboat Roger Wilco, calling on VHF channel 68, frequency 156.425 MHz, to the Cruiser's Net.

Roger Wilco, go ahead.

Sir: I am appalled at the slovenly use of the VHF radio by cruisers here, not to mention their lack of flag etiquette and improper horn signals. Back in the day, if we'd acted this way in Blighty, the Hun would have had our guts for garters, and the Sar'nt-Major would have had something to say about it ! So shape up or ship out ! Harumph !

Papa Indigo Tango Alpha, sailboat Roger Wilco, over and out, standing by on VHF channels 9, 16, 68 and maybe a few more.

Okay, that was Roger Wilco yet again reminding us that we're probably violating some radio regulation or another every single time we use our radios.

Any other announcements ?

Stuck With Him.

Stuck With Him, go ahead.

Yes, this is Stuck With Him. We gave a lift to a guy half a dozen islands ago, and now he's looking to crew on any other boat going anywhere. He's a great guy, we'll give him a terrific, super, divine, ecstatic recommendation. He's an experienced sailor, can sleep through any situation, has a quite remarkable capacity for alcohol, his tattoos and piercings have to be seen to be believed, and his snoring scares away thieves at night. We really think he'd be terrific on your boat instead of our boat. He seems to have temporarily misplaced his passport, but I'm sure you could deal with that. Please call Stuck With Him any time, day or night, if you're interested. Please !

Okay, Stuck With Him has a guy looking to crew, contact Stuck With Him on 68 after the net.

Any other last-minute announcements or questions ?

Varnishing Point.

Varnishing Point, go ahead.

Hi, this is Varnishing Point. We're over here in Teredo Bay, but thinking of moving over to your bay, and wonder if there's any anchoring space left over there ?

Well, Varnishing Point, the W side is jam-packed, over near Topless Girl. But there's plenty of empty space on the E side, near Naked Guy.

Any other last-minute announcements ?

Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, go ahead.

I felt a great disturbance in the Force.

Okay, Obi-Wan Kenobi felt a great disturbance in the Force. Obi-Wan Kenobi, contact me on 68 after the net and I'll try to help you with that.

Any other last-minute announcements ?

Okay, thanks for participating in the net.

Oh, and as usual, we're looking for more people to be net controllers. There's no salary, but the dental plan is okay, and there's a secret handshake. So please volunteer to help out. You can do it, it's not rocket surgery !


Nessie, go ahead.

Aye, thes is Jock oan Nessie. Ah ken ye need a bloke tae dae th' morn blether guid. Eh'd be pure dead brilliant, nae loch th' eejit's ye hae noo.

Okay, Nessie, please contact one of the other net controllers on 68 after the net about that.

Okay, everyone have a wonderful day on the island !

And a thought for the day, from Dave Barry:
"A knot is just like a mile per hour, except more expensive."

Magnolia out.

Tack, Tack, Tack, Jibe.

Jibe, this is Tack. What channel ?

How about 69 ?

Tack going to 69.

More Fiber, More Fiber, More Fiber, Head Case.

Head Case, this is More Fiber. Wanna go to 69 ?


Dream, Dream, Dream, Nightmare.

Nightmare, this is Dream. 69 ?


Run, Run, Run, Punt.

Punt, this is Run. What channel ?

Oh, heck, I don't know. What channels do they have on this island ? I've never had to pick a channel before, dearie me. Oh, jeez, I guess, pick one at random, maybe, how about ... 69 ?


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